How to be a Douchebag

After all the feedback I got from my recent instruction manual on how to troll, (read: none) I've decided to add a second chapter. I imagine from the title you're expecting a hilarious send-up where I create the ultimate douchebag using parts from existing douchebags we all know and love. For example, maybe the hairstyle of 'the situation' with Perez Hilton's sense of humour and the attitude of Liam Gallagher - and a touch of Bono's sense of self righteousness thrown in for good measure. Actually, that sounds like a WAY better post then what I actually have planned -- but I'll leave that to the experts. You see, mine will differ in that I doubt it will be very funny and I plan to suggest that it call all be summed up in one person. In short? Be this guy:

This my friends is Dale Begg-Smith, the Australian freestyle skier. In fact, this picture was taken shortly after he won a silver medal - doesn't he look happy? So - do you want to be a douchebag? Just follow these handy steps as Dale here as done and you too can be soon on your way ...

TURN YOUR BACK ON FRIENDS: This is key. A true douchebag has no friends, or at least no longer has a need for them once he has gotten what he has needed from them. For example, Begg-Smith was skiing for his native Canada as a teenager when his coaches told him he was spending too much time on his fledgling business, and not enough time in training. He subsequently quit the Canadian ski program because it clashed with his business interests and moved to Australia at age 16. He then chose to ski for Australia. Born and trained in Canada, currently competing in the Vancouver 2010 Olympics for Australia. That's fine - he is an Australian citizen and lives in ... let me just look here ... Vancouver?!! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! the guy still lives in Vancouver?! BC?! CANADA?! Now I'm not going to call him a traitor - but you are certainly welcome to if you wish.

BE ARROGANT: No one should be surprised, really. The guy does what he wants, when he wants and offers no apologies. This jerk displayed zero emotion upon winning gold four years ago in Turin, Italy, on behalf of his adopted country. Down Under, they call him the Ice Man. "He's very clinical," said a teammate recently. "You know he doesn't really have emotions like normal people. He's cold-blooded." He is considered a recluse by many, and has repeatedly refused to communicate with non-Australian media, Canadian media in particular. After his 2006 gold medal win, Begg-Smith became irritated when questions were asked about his business. According to Canadian press reports he said: "I don't know why we're talking about the company. I just won Olympic gold." You sure did jackass - now what about this business again? Let's have a look shall we ...

BE RICH: Yep - he's rich alright. Like Lamborghini and kiss-my-ass rich. Sadly this is the hardest part of becoming a douchebag but also the most important. Poor douchebags just cannot accumulate enough hatred from others. You need to make them resent you because you've succeeded where others have failed, despite them being better then you in every conceivable way. Of course, it's even better if you can make your fortune in a way that can truly inspire hatred in others. Let's just have a look at how he got his money. Oh, I see. He is founder and president of AdsCPM Network, a firm notorious for using "driveby downloads," security exploits, and other cheap tricks to install spyware (including keyloggers and browser hijackers) on unsuspecting Internet users' computers. Please, go on. The companies that he is involved with are some of the most annoying aspects of the web: pop-up ads and spyware. Holy shit do I wish I was making this up. So how much did he make? Begg-Smith won't talk about his businesses, apart from explaining his wealth to an inquiring reporter a few years ago by saying, "Well, I drive a $300,000 car." He doesn't like to talk about it you say?

BE A SORE LOSER: The picture above says it all. While both the Canadian and US skiers celebrated their medals like any normal person would, Douchey McDouchebag here looked like someone just urinated down the back of his speedsuit. Sulking like a 16-year-old whose daddy bought her the wrong colour of SUV. Actually, the picture does not quite say it all - you may be surprised to learn that some Australian officials believe their skier should have won and challenged the event's scoring.

In closing, I believe that Begg-Smith is the anti-Olympian: rich, disconnected and nakedly self-interested. After all, it takes a certain kind of soul to market spamware - and be a total jerk in every other aspect of you like. At least as far as I can tell. Wow - I feel better just getting all of that off my chest - and I hope you aspiring douchebags have learned something as well.

In true Canadian style - I should state for the record that I actually do not know this guy. This list of his accomplishments have been gleaned from existing sources on the internet and is fairness I did stumble across a couple of people that stated he was actually a nice guy in real life along the way. Still - this could have been a home-coming of sorts for him and he threw it away for a spyware and pop-up ad company. In closing, I'm delighted that you a lost and the fact it was to a Canadian makes it all the sweeter. Alright - back to the Olympics - CHEERS!

Oh, and GO CANADA!

SOURCE: Canucklehead.ca